A toxic person

I have come to realize (once again, somehow I had forgotten!) that my relationship with my father is terrible. There is still anger and resentment there that I wish wasn't and I am an expert at pretending it doesn't exist. To say that he and my stepmonster are narcissistic is an understatement. Maybe I'm too cynical, maybe I'm not; either way, they are wrapped up in their world and seem to care little about mine. Okay, maybe in their own, weird way they think they care but I don't have the energy or time to wade through their bullshit to find out.

This was prompted by a phone call I received last Wednesday. Out of the blue, my dad calls me and catches me as I'm in the middle of something so I had to call him back and catch him after work. I do catch up with him and pretty much at the start of the conversation he begins with asking to borrow money. Wait.... what? Did I hear that right? My dad is very sarcastic so I asked him if he was serious. (if you know my dad you'd know this is not a strange question) He said yes. I could probably write a book with tips on how NOT to make bad life decisions based on the lessons learned from this man. Anyway, he's having a hard time, after filing bankruptcy this year, and asked to borrow some money. Ummm.... I don't know.

Of course I had to talk it over with my husband (who, incidentally, is not a fan of the Edgar) I was shocked. Really, I should have seen it coming. I really should have. But why would I? On the one hand I see how I should have seen it coming but on the other hand why would I think my father would ask to borrow money? I was dumbstruck. It's not like it was a huge sum of money but the fact that he asked in the first place shocked me. We'll just add that to the list of things this man does that I don't understand.

I have to tell him no and it causes a level of anxiety I don't like - ever. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. The phone is ringing and I'm nervous. Is it guilt? No, I don't think so. Well, maybe a little. Without rehashing the details, this money would help pay for something he probably does need but should be able to pay for next month. Am I saying no because I'm bitter? Yeah, there's probably a degree of bitterness involved but we have to take care of our own family first. We have two small people who depend on us and we have to take care of them first and foremost. Now I feel like I'm making excuses and justifying my decision. I shouldn't have to but I can't help it.

When dealing with my father, I become an angry 17 year old. I want to let it go, I really want to but there is a whole lotta hurt and bitterness that is difficult to undo. My way to deal with is to pretend it doesn't exist and limit my contact with him and the stepmonster. (especially the crazy stepmonster!) He is definitely the classic definition of a toxic person in my life. I have cut back my interaction because his relationship is not value-added. It's still difficult but necessary.

I called and got his voicemail. Now the conversation is delayed. I was ready to have it and damn if he isn't home and not answering his cell phone. Dammit, dammit, dammit. It's a good thing I have caller ID, now I can ignore his call and make it when I'm comfortable, not when it's best for him.