Holiday Season

I've thought about blogging for a while now... it's been a busy couple of months. I finally found a job and it's one I (mostly) enjoy but it takes a lot of time out of the week. Things, in general, are better then they have been in the past. Around Thanksgiving I remembered two years ago when I was not in a good place and what a rough time I had - I am nowhere near that place and for that I'm grateful. After a couple of challenging years I can say this fall/holiday season has been, and continues to be, better. I feel like I can actually enjoy the holidays, my girls and the life we have. In that dark place, everything is a struggle and finding happiness is a challenge. I tried to put on a happy face but, truth be told, I'm not a very good actress. (not as good as I thought I was, anyway)

Things are different because I'm working. After an exhaustive job search, I finally got hired to work retail. It wasn't my first choice but honestly, it's what I'm good at. (ignore bad grammar) And as far as retail goes... I have the best schedule. Yes, really. I work 6a-2p, 4 days a week and I don't work weekends. I don't have to pay for after-school care for the girls and I get weekends off - it's a Win-Win. I didn't realize how much I missed working; getting paid and having regular adult interaction is nice. I don't make a bunch of money but every little bit helps. I know I could make more but when I interviewed for management jobs I think I was penalized because I took 5+ years off. It's okay... I probably would have been miserable at that job anyway. The District Manager was kind of a bitch and I suspect she only interviewed me because I know one of her GMs. (and not remembering the specifics of management practices at Old Navy didn't help either. that was like 8 years ago! cut me some slack) It's okay... looking back I think I would have been unhappy; no amount of money would have changed that fact.

I also appreciate our family time on the weekend much more. Before I was working the weekends were a time when I could "escape" and my husband would spend time with the girls. Now I'm happy to be here all together. It should be the time when I catch up on all the chores I neglect during the week but that hasn't happen, as of late. We have a huge pile of laundry in the closet and I have no desire to do laundry, non-stop, all weekend.

This time before Christmas feels like it's slipping away with no signs of slowing down. I still feel like I so much to do and I am working every day M-F. The paycheck will be nice but I'd love to have more time off! Because I'm so busy I'll go ahead and wish everyone a Merry Christmas now!

Highs and lows

I can't believe it's been two months since my last entry and nothing has changed. I still don't have a job even though I have made many, many applications and even had a few interviews. Our situation is NOT better. The ups and downs up job hunting and out financial situation is wearing on me. I feel like I am doing so many things to help the situation but it barely makes a dent. I can't even get a call from Target. Have you ever talked to the geniuses there? What is wrong with me???

And the Mommy guilt I have from sending my (just barely) 5 year old to the all day Pre-K has its' own ups and downs. Especially on the days she has a meltdown over something that wouldn't normally bother her or has soccer and falls asleep on the way home... both because she's so tired from being at school all day. I try to explain that if she'd try to nap she wouldn't be so tired but I know I can't change it - she quit napping at 2.5 years old.

I told Dan last night that something's gotta give. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this.

Tired

I'm tired of being stressed about money.
I'm tired of empty promises about job leads.
I'm tired of not hearing back or getting a "no."
I'm tired of eating like a pauper.
I'm tired of having to use all my creativity to make meals.
I'm tired of snapping at my kids because I'm stressed.
I'm tired of pretending everything is just fine.

Update

I had to deal with some stuff last month that I never thought I'd have to deal with again in a million years. Okay, maybe not a million years but you get the idea. May was an interesting month and I'm glad it's gone. There were a rough couple of weeks with a couple of very stressful days and I'm glad they're over.

Summer is here and I am loving that every day is wide open. I hate schedules when they're imposed by someone else. I have our schedule laid out but it's not a fixed schedule so the girls have at least an idea of what is happening everyday. If they beg to go to the pool I can say "look at the schedule, it's Monday, we have to do laundry and pick up before we go." They seem to be mostly agreeable. My 8 year old seems to do better with some sort of schedule, however loose it may be. I'm more lax on some rules during the summer but try to keep the basic stuff.

Training has been hit or miss since school got out. I have our daily schedule worked out but haven't figured out how to work training in to our day. But truthfully, I haven't tried all that hard, either. I ride 2 or 3 times and swim 2 or 3 times and that's okay with me. I don't have any races planned so more training isn't necessary. I am working on accepting that this is the way it's going to be this season. I might be able to do one or two late season races but they're up in the air right now too.

It's Friday so that means sweeping and vacuuming before we go to the pool. :) Hope you enjoy your weekend.

Even keel

When I started my other blog I really thought I'd have material for both but as of late, I haven't. Things have been going okay and I've been busy training so not much has gone in to this blog. This one is still more personal while the other is about training, riding and other related subjects that strike my fancy. ;)

I have, for the most part, had a good 2010 so far. Things have pretty much stayed on an even keel. There was a brief time when I was working through some issues but they have faded. I made my training log private and wrote a never to be published entry on here that helped. I was able to work through it without putting it all out there. There really was some therapy to getting it down even if I am the only one who will ever see it. I felt better after I typed it, like I'd told someone about it.

Now the only thing getting me down is not being able to race. Because of family obligations and financial reasons I have missed and will miss several races I'd tentatively planned to do. I'm bummed I am missing my original "A" race this weekend. I sat down yesterday and tried to schedule the rest of my season. I love riding just to ride but I feel better when I have a goal, it gives me focus.

With the end of school comes a feeling of freedom that I've been missing. Only 5 days of school left and we're "free" for ten weeks. At least we won't be bound by the school schedule anymore. We have a couple things planned that I hope will make it a good summer like our last one. Hopefully a beach do-over as well.

New blog

I've decided to make a different, public, blog to track my athletic stuff. This one will still be my general one but now I have two. I want to have a blog that is public and anyone can read it and still keep this one the way it is. I want to keep one that is just mine and my ramblings and musings and entries about a funk and not worry about who might see it. So, this is my other blog: http://seemindyride.blogspot.com/

I haven't done a stellar job of keeping up with either of them and I hope to do better. We're getting in to the season so I'll have more stuff to update with that blog and I'm busy with other stuff for this blog. I just hope I can get my act together to make entries at both. Hmmm, if I find a full time job I'll be training when I'm not working so that could be a problem... well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

Thank you to those that read this and I hope you'll check out the other one too.

Former Newbie

For shits and giggles, I went back and was reading my training log from my first year. I'm glad I started logging when I first started so I can go back and see what I was doing. It's funny, there are some things from '06 that I wrote about in my log that I remember doing. The main thing that jumped out at me was, at that time, a race was my main motivation. Now my motivation is centered around the fact that I like training (on the bike) and it's just what I do. Somewhere along the line my motivation changed from extrinsic to intrisic.

It's not really an epiphany because I think I've mentioned it before but it's like a snapshot of me as a newbie. Some of it is humorous now because I had no idea at the time. I was enthusiastic but finding the motivation was sometimes hard after being inactive for a couple years prior. And I had a baby - the little one was about 7 months old when I started "official" tri training.

Anyway, I like to go back and see how far I've come. A lot has changed through 4 seasons of training. Of course, there is still a lot to learn and in bike racing I am a newbie so I guess I'm starting over.

Funk

I've been in and out of a funk lately and haven't felt like blogging. I tried to a couple of times but it seemed fake or rushed. I don't even have any good stories to share but my husband is out of town, the girls are in bed and here I am.

I have been job hunting but nothing has panned out, yet. Heck, I don't even know if I should put the yet in there. Right now it seems nothing will turn up. I'm tired of looking at the same job listings over and over and over. I think I've told everyone I know that I'm looking in addition to my other efforts. It's frustrating and disheartening.

I'm also trying to figure out what I want to do as far as racing; whether I'll be focusing on cycling, triathlon or if I'll do some sort of combination of both. The whole "having to pay for races" really gets in the way.

I'm just feeling a little lost right now.

Finances

I wouldn't normally blog about this particular subject but it's stressing me out and I am racking my brain to try to help. I have applied for six jobs. Yes, SIX positions. This is big for me because when I've looked in the past I think I only half-ass applied at two places, Target and Publix. I never really looked with any seriousness but this time I am. I have searched every possible job posting website I can find and threw it out there that I was looking on Facebook.

Our financial situation is just not getting better. My husband and I are both stressed about it which is taking its toll. We think we have plan of action but it's not a quick fix. We have to get something worked out now. Without divulging too much information, let's just say that if we don't figure something out very soon (and get that car sold!) then there's some stuff that won't get paid because we have to eat.

I'll have to keep working on our options. I did go for a job interview last week but then found out they hired someone else. I was disappointed because I really thought I was a great fit for that job. Yeah, really. I honestly felt like it was the "perfect" job for me. Not just the "perfect job right now" job. There have been positions I've applied for in the past that were kind of like, "well, this job isn't too terrible and if I get it then at least I'll get paid." This job seemed like a good fit on both ends and it didn't pan out.

I guess it means the job for me is still out there. I'll have to search harder and consider some positions I skipped over the first time.

Auburn trip

In two weeks I am heading to the Loveliest Village on the Plains. That's right, I am making a trip to Auburn. I am SO looking forward to it. I'm even planning to make a weekend trip out of it. The reason for the trip is a sorority reunion. It's to celebrate my sorority being on Auburn's campus for 30 years.

I think those that know me would have never pegged me as a sorority girl; I often think it's a bit humorous as well. But I was a dutiful sister and did rush, chapter meetings every Wednesday, philanthropy activities and socials. Well, until I got kicked out at the end of fall quarter of my senior year because I owed too much money. I paid my dues myself and fell behind. Anyway, it was a HUGE part of my 4 years of college and don't regret my decision to pledge.

I bring this up because I've started really thinking and planning for the weekend. The initial planning started in late October or early November so we could all make hotel reservations but now it's kicked in to high gear. My pledge class is planning a reunion on Friday night and then going out after. Some of the women think they're going to party like Rock Stars ... which really makes me kind of chuckle because we're too old for those shenanigans. I am such a light weight, 2 or 3 glasses of wine and I'm ready for a nap. [mental note: stick to beer!] I can't party like that anymore and I don't want to - I hate being hungover.

Of course, I also plan to bring my bike. I don't go anywhere overnight without it. No, I'm serious. You never know when the opportunity to ride may come up. There is a guy on BT who lives in Auburn and I asked him if there were any group rides on Saturdays or Sundays and he said there is one every Saturday if the weather is nice. Dude! I'm all over that. But here's the thing, I do want to hang out with my friends on Friday night but I also want to ride on Saturday. It's a problem because I can't do both. Well, I can't do both very well, anyway.

Year End Totals

It's wasn't a huge year for training but for most of the year I was consistent and I was only training for sprints. I actually didn't hit any of my distance goals even though I should have hit two of them. This is what I had:

Bike:	134h 47m 08s - 2008.88 Mi
Run:	30h 47m 40s - 163.08 Mi
Swim:	34h 22m 29s - 88839.34 Yd

My goals were: 3000 miles cycling, 200 miles running and 100,000 yards swimming. I don't know what I was thinking with the cycling goal. That was a lofty goal considering the year before I rode 2600 miles and all I did was ride. (very little running or swimming) The other two goals I really should have hit if I hadn't stopped running and swimming almost completely after my last race. The swim I'm most embarrassed about - I could have done it with 8 or 10 swims. Oh well. The running goal I could have hit but it would have meant more running and that's just not gonna happen.

2010 is starting slow for a couple of reasons: I don't have a race schedule or a training plan, yet, AND it is really freakin' cold outside. I have zero motivation right now because I don't like riding in the cold and my husband wants to keep all of our exercise equipment (trainer, treadmill, weights) in our garage. Wow, it's cold out there. I wish we had a basement. Anyway, I'm working out some possible races but nothing definite yet.

Adiós Funk

Apparently, all I needed to get out of my funk was a project. Over Christmas break my husband and I decided to redo our bedroom and bathroom. We've lived in our house 8 years and had never painted our bedroom or bathroom because we couldn't decide how we wanted to decorate or what color we wanted. I am very, very happy with how it turned out. I am especially pleased with my decorating. ;) We were also able to move out our very outdated furniture (that we got from my sister) and get different furniture that belonged to my husband's grandmother. It's slightly old ladyish but it works better with the furniture we already had.


These are the framed records we hung on the wall. I LUV them. I was so happy with how they match the room and they are some of our favorites as well. I'll give a gold star to the one who can name all 4 with artist and album. Two are fairly easy, one is so-so and the last one might be a challenge.
*UPDATE: Steph got one. (U2, The Joshua Tree)






This a print in the bathroom. I love it too. We had a smaller one but were able to find a bigger one and frame it. It is Vincent van Gogh's "The Café Terrace on the Place du Forum." I fell in love with the painting when I saw the original at the High Museum when his collection was here. The color of the bathroom matches some of the light blue of the far building and the stars. I chose yellow and dark blue as the accent colors.

For right now, the funk is gone and I hope it stays away. It's no fun when it settles in. I hate feeling like that and I'm hoping the product of our hard work will continue to keep my mind at ease and organized. I know that might sound weird but if things stay out of order for a long time I get the "I'm lost" feeling. Sometimes it causes me to act while other times I'm stuck to my chair, so to speak.

The house being clean and organized definitely helps. I'm not a super neat person by nature but I can see now how having that type of home helps everyone feel centered or grounded. My husband gets stressed out when he comes home to a messy house and I think I understand his point of view now. I think the girls are getting aboard the clean train as well. Well, maybe not so much the 4 year old but our 7 year old is getting there. It was easy when my husband was home everyday on vacation. I hope to be able to continue the momentum we started and maintain how it looks now.

I'm a quitter

I hit my 5 year anniversary of being smoke free on Saturday. But it came without any fanfare. ;) I considered posting something on Facebook or starting a thread on BT but decided not to. It just didn't feel right. I am very proud of quitting, cold turkey, and happy with what I've done with my healthy lungs.

I quit smoking, for good, on January 2, 2005. I had recently found out I was pregnant with my younger daughter and knew it was time to quit, permanently this time. I'd quit when I was pregnant the first time but restarted a couple months after she was born. I'm not sure why I restarted but at the time my husband was still smoking, along with most of our friends so I guess I was tired of being left alone inside.

I haven't had the urge to smoke in a really long time so I'm 99.999999% sure I'll never restart. Hitting the 5 year mark is a big deal and I'll be happy when I hit the 10, 15, and 20 year marks as well.

BIL Update

So, the visit with the BIL went pretty well. Much better than I (and I'm sure him) expected or hoped or feared. I know he was nervous about it because I was. When they arrived I kept my distance a little until there was time for them to visit with his parents and settle in to being "home." (he hasn't been here in 3 years) I wanted to act like an adult and there was no reason to fight with him in his parents house. Apparently, it's okay to fight on the phone but not in person. I guess I just wasn't feeling very feisty or argumentative. It worked out fine. We hung out and played some games and had a few beers and it was fine. What will happen in the future is unsure but for now everything is hunky dory. ;)