Comfort of the familiar

There is a certain level of comfort associated with a place where you spent a lot of time when you're young. This is the feeling I felt at my husband's parents' house over Thanksgiving. While it's not normally a place I like to spend tons of time, it's a comfortable place filled with warmth. Standing in the kitchen this morning, I felt a warmth there that I have not quite been able to duplicate in my own home. I was ready to come home but reluctant to leave. Those feelings were actually very unexpected. Usually, I have my stuff packed and I'm ready to run, not walk, out the door. Now that we're home, I'm glad to be back but some of those feelings of reluctance remain.

Apparently he was paying attention

I've been found out. What I wanted to deny (but had shared with you) was really not as well disguised as I'd thought. Yesterday, my husband and I had a discussion about me. That was fun. It started because we went mountain biking and my inner voice got the best of me on the trail. What was supposed to be a fun, post-Thanksgiving ride turned out to not be so fun after all.

We talked about it briefly on the way home but I was still mad at myself and apologized for messing up his ride. He said it wasn't all about the mountain biking. Ok, what?? (I'm a woman but not a mind reader!) When we got home we talked about it some more and he tells me I have an aura of depression. Doh. He asked if he was off the mark and I admitted that he was not.

He wants me to figure out how to fix it because he says he doesn't know how. I'm not sure either.

Not so bad

Our Thanksgiving was not too bad, I've had worse. The food was good and it was actually more fun then we anticipated. We played cards before dinner, which was a nice change. All of the adults (all 6) played Phase 10, which is sort of like gin rummy. I can't really explain all the details of the game (if you've never played it) but my mom is a crazy card player - she threw out a Wild card. Really. It was funny because I just couldn't help myself when I had a little freak out. As soon as I saw it I knew I was screwed. She threw it down, my sister went out and I ended up with a bunch of points. Thanks, Mom. Of course I had to give her a hard time. I mean, who does that?!?

Thanksgiving food made me have crazy dreams. The kind of dreams that "come alive" from stuff you've had floating around in your head but don't really want to think about. Am I the only one that happens to? And it was right before I woke up so I can remember them. And it's stuff I'd rather not dwell on so I'm having to fight hard to get them out of my brain. It's not working. Good thing my husband and I are mountain biking this morning so I can have that distraction.

Family and friends

Like most people, I have forced Family Fun on Thanksgiving. I know if we didn't live close to our family then I'd really want to see them and visit. As it is right now, we see them at least once a month. I guess I'm just not in the Thanksgiving mood today. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful we have extended family to share holidays. I'm just not in the "put on a happy face and pretend everything is hunky-dory" mode right now. At least I'll have my husband and my sister to talk to.

I am thankful for friends. They help make me who I am. I don't have many friends but I'm thankful for those I have, especially the people who take the time to read what I type, here and elsewhere. They almost definitely know me better then the people I actually see in person. It is definitely easier for me to type what I'm thinking. When I type, I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. So, thank you for allowing me to be Me.

Second thoughts

I am having serious doubts about the whole "new opportunity" thing. A week ago, my husband had a very strong sense of urgency and now I don't see it. My husband has a habit of thinking a lot about something but telling me very little. We had a brief conversation about it last night and he told me he still had to do the cost analysis. I'm thinking he needs to hurry the F up. He did work on it last night, I don't know the results yet or if he finished, I went to bed. In my head I'm running through all the things that still need to be taken care of and we're losing days this week because of the Thanksgiving holiday. How much it's going to cost, a business plan, our coffee supplier, where the food is coming from and do we need a vendor, all the advertising stuff, figuring out how we're going to sell one of our cars for extra money (we have 3), the list seems to go on and on.....

Originally, he told me he wanted to open next week. Um, yeah, that's not gonna happen. Last Thursday the owner called him and offered to sell the equipment at 1/2 price because he really needs some capital right now. That doesn't exactly give me the warm, fuzzy feeling that the bike shop is doing so well and we can count on it staying open. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I think we'll be able to look at everything more in depth this weekend. It's been hard because by the time the girls go to bed, the last thing I really want to do is some serious thinking.

A rookie mistake

I did finally get out on my road bike yesterday. It's always a bit weird to go from one bike to the other or be off of it for awhile. It's like my brain is confused as to what it's supposed to do. I met a friend to ride and we set off on a route she knows and has done several times before. We were on some roads I'm familiar with from driving but have never ridden my bike on them. About 12 miles in to the ride, we turn on a back road and she tells me there is a wooden bridge at the bottom of the hill and to stay on the boards that cross the bridge. You know ... the ones that go vertically that a car's wheels would stay on. She yells at me several times to take the bridge straight across.

As I'm riding down the hill, I'm thinking, "Is that right? Shouldn't I ride the bridge like I would cross a railroad track? Well, she's ridden this way before, maybe I should listen to her? Maybe I should get off and walk across?" (all this is running through my brain as I'm riding down and see the bridge in front of me) My friend is in front of me and hits the bridge first. I see her making it and try to follow. (I wish I could really describe this rickety bridge. There were 2x4's that made up the horizontal base of the bridge and some more 2x4's going straight across for cars to drive on. I don't think they're nailed down because there were some gaps and maybe they moved, I can't be sure) So, I'm going across and feel my rear wheel getting stuck in-between some boards more than once. By some miracle I don't get stopped. I am almost all the way over and I see my friend stop. Crap. I have to change directions. It seemed up to this point I was okay as long as I kept my current speed and the current path. Trying to change directions at the last second was what made me fall. I tried to move, got stuck again, slowed down and I went down - on the ground, HARD. I'm always amazed how much it hurts to fall at slow speeds. Anyway, as I'm going down, my handlebars turn, my hand goes out, slips and I land on my elbow, my hip and I think my knee hit my handlebars. Now that I think about it some more, I think I actually closed my eyes because I don't remember seeing the ground. I get up and nothing feels broken ... what about the bike? Gotta check the bike. Damn, my shifters are scratched. The bike looks fine, whew! I'm pretty sure my body and the shifters took the brunt of the fall.

After I survey the damage and don't see any rips in my clothes (thankfully) I dust myself off and make sure my friend is okay too. She managed to get stuck as well and she hit the railing on the side of the bridge. She's okay, just scratched and bruised from hitting the railing. We (I) curse about our stupidity and about how we both know better and I try very hard not to take my frustration out on her. I take most of the blame for the mistake - I knew better and even thought twice about it! Stupid bridge. I told her next time I don't want to ride on that road again. She vows that she'll do it again and next time she'll do it right. I told her if we ride that way again, next time I'm just getting off and walking! A stupid (and embarrassing!) rookie mistake: when there's a gap or a groove - ALWAYS CROSS AT A 90 DEGREE ANGLE!

Mountain biking

I am definitely not an expert mountain biker. In fact, I have a hard time even calling my level of skill intermediate. My experience is limited to the local trail that is not exactly technical. Long, but not technical. Anyway, here are a couple of links to some articles about all kinds of topics related to mountain biking. The first one is here, and the other one is SORBA's (Southern Off-Road Bicycle Association) site which has articles and a forum.

Up and down

The ups and downs of everyday life are a lot to handle, and people do it everyday. Why is it that I am having a hard time with it? I eat well (mostly), exercise (but not as much as I'd like), have good kids, a supportive husband. Everything should be great...... What am I getting at? I'm not sure. I'm sitting here trying to get the jumbled thoughts in order and lack of sleep is making it harder. I'm feeling a little lost this morning. I will be glad to get out on my road bike.

Mom hair

My husband and I have an ongoing debate. I say I have "mom hair," he says I do not. While neither of us can really define what constitutes mom hair, I think I have it, he doesn't. Last night we were talking about it again and he Googled it. Much to my surprise, there were many hits, articles and pictures all discussing the current "mom hair" fashions. I had no idea there was such a pop culture phenomenon. I just figured that since I'd cut my hair into a more grown up kind of style that it was automatically mom hair. Apparently, I was wrong. I mean, I am a mom. He says it's "sophisticated." Really, the whole discussion is just silly; out here in Redneckville, the normal mom hair consists of a $10 (ok, maybe $20) perm with bangs that are hair-sprayed up and curled ... you know what I'm talking about, the hairstyle most women had in 1986. I'm not kidding. Take a trip to the local Wal-Mart and that hairstyle is not in short supply. You know, if it works for them then great, just not for me. Maybe I'll just have to start surveying people........

My daughter

I have a daughter that is like me in so many ways. This is a blessing and a curse, sometimes I can't tell the difference. (ok, who am I kidding? most of the time I can't tell the difference! :)) She's independent, likes to do things her own way, is not a fan of authority, a little sassy, funny, articulate..... And I know all those qualities are what make her unique but we clash all the time. There are times when I feel guilty because I get on her case more often then her younger sister - mostly for doing things her way which is often different than my way. I need to do better. I don't want to break her spirit. I have to remember that she is only 6. Sometimes I really do forget.

Currently, she's having a bit of a hard time with a couple subjects at school. It breaks my heart because I know how smart she is, she just doesn't get it or see it in her head. I try to understand but I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job. She can figure out how to do the multiplications of the number 3 but has a hard time remembering how to spell 'match.' We're working on it. I hope one of these days it will just click.

A wise friend

I feel very luck to know The Cranky Princess. Here she writes as if she's talking directly to me.

"The realization that we are good at something is important, so too, is positive and specific feedback along the way from people for whom we have respect. I feel blessed that my gift touches hearts and has the ability to pull forth emotion, even from people who aren't so very emotional. I'm glad to have a creative outlet, for my reality is that someday, my body might decide it's had enough, but, hopefully, my mind will remain in tact and my words will continue to flow."

I am still in search of what I am good at. There are many things I'm okay at, but none that I feel I can say with certainty that I'm good at. As with most people, I am probably my harshest critic. That is the voice that often says, "you're not good enough, so why try?" It's a voice I often have to work very hard to silence. Sometimes it gets the best of me, and other times it's one I can put on mute temporarily. It's a daily struggle; one that I will have to continue to fight because that voice will never quit.

I decided

A decision has been made. My husband and I are going to take over running a coffee shop. It's the coffee shop that is inside the bike shop. The owner has neither the time nor the energy to devote to the success of the business so we will be in charge. I woke up Tuesday morning, after being on the fence for several days, with a sense of clarity. I knew that I needed to say yes. It's an opportunity that we can't pass up. Even if we fail, at least we'll know we gave it a shot.

An opportunity?

My husband thinks he's come up with a way for us to take over a small business and I would run it. I'm undecided about it. I've thought about it and while it's not a bad opportunity, I'm not sure I want to be tied to something either. On the one hand ... it would be cool to run it and be responsible for the success of the business, BUT on the other hand ... it would be a little while before we started making any money (hopefully we'd make money!) and we would be the only ones working there. My husband has talked to the current owner and now I just need to decide if I want to commit.

I just don't know.

I am a little embarrassed by my previous post. I'm not used to sharing stuff like that and I'm undecided if it will stay there. I'm not sure what my purpose was in putting it out there. It's not like all of a sudden things are going to change; the number of people I really trust and confide in will still be minimal. There are a few women who I do want to confide in but I always feel like what's going on with me is not as important because their lives are very busy. When I'm not working my life is not busy at all and that is part of the problem. I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think.

This is a direct copy of a paragraph from another blog, "Hissy Fits," written by a friend who has helped me with different things several times. What she talks about in this is part of what I'm getting at but she can write it better than me.

"So what's the point of all this? The point is that the message "I will not give up on you" is a powerful one and does not apply only to children who might otherwise fall through the cracks. It applies to us, as adults, who still thrive on positive feedback and a sense of accomplishment. In fact, I would argue that it also applies to us as we look at ourselves as athletes... overcoming adversity to train and race... healing from injuries, battling illnesses, finding balance with busy families, careers and tri training. Perhaps the ultimate definition of endurance is not only having the physical and mental capacity to handle imposed athletic demand but also having the ability to not give up on oneself, to find strength from within, even when your circumstances are less than perfect."

Therapy of being anonymous

I have to confess, I like this blog. It is therapeutic to be able to get my thoughts out without having to worry about what people think. I'm not even sure anyone reads this. And that matters only a little but I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter at all. If I didn't want anyone to read it then I would keep all my random thoughts in my head. Although, if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to read and "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter."

I am depressed. It is familiar, something I've dealt with many times. It's funny how even as an adult, I still feel some of the same feelings I felt when I was 13. I can remember being depressed and hoping someone would help me. I don't know what triggered that particular summer's episode but I'd guess it was because school was out and I was faced with the prospect of having the visit my dad even though I didn't want to. My mom enrolled my sister and I in a day camp run by the Y so we had something to do during the summer. I felt connected to one of the counselors, her name was Jane, and I remember desperately wanting to talk to her but too shy to even think about approaching her. I wanted so badly for her to ask me what was wrong and I felt if she opened the door then I'd be able to spill it all but she never did. I made it through the summer and the episode passed but those feelings remain; often hidden until something in my brain is triggered and that 13 year old girl - desperate for someone to talk to but too shy - surfaces.

This is hard to put down. It upsets me as I type it. One would wonder why I put this here? I don't know. I do know I am lonely. I only have a few close friends. Everyone else is kept at a distance.

Generic profile pics

<---- I realize now looking at the general picture that everyone is assigned actually looks like my profile, weird. With my super short hair, it could be me. Creepy. It definitely looks (to me) to be more female even though the hair is obviously short.

BTW, I won some of those brake calipers I was bidding on. Although I got sniped at the last minute, twice. Bastards! I didn't get the ones I thought I was going to win but found some other ones for cheaper - score! I also got some fancy new road shoes today. It seems my transformation from triathlete to roadie is now complete. but really, I'm just Me.

I have lots of things running through my brain and I'm trying to sort them out to get them on here but they're not cooperating. One major issue has been occupying my thoughts so the random, probably more interesting, thoughts have gotten pushed to the back.

Road riding

Since I have this titled as a cycling blog, here's some info on tips for road riding. The first one is how to ride safely with cars and the other one is an article about group riding from the Sorella site. (FYI, the second one is actually a PDF file.)

See? So, now you can't say I don't ever give you anything. Next time I'll try to find some articles on mountain biking.

A smoker in the White House

Am I the only one who didn't know this? I just found this out. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/USElection/2008/10/07/7010166-ap.html Apparently, Obama still smokes. Really?!? A smoker? I don't care how much stress he has, I don't trust someone who is highly educated and at the age of 44, still smokes. I don't trust him anyway but to find out he's a smoker too .... He obviously doesn't have the willpower to quit. Too bad for him.

Being an ex-smoker, I feel I have the right to comment. I quit twice, once for about 10 months and the second time for good and it's been almost 4 years. No, it's not easy but the worthwhile things rarely are.

Now I have to try to bid on some brake calipers. So, a longer entry will have to wait.

It's official

Obama has won the election. I'm really worried about all the "change" that has been touted by this candidate.

That is all I have to say about that right now.

Cheaters never win

I saw this earlier today. If you haven't heard about it, this is a guy from Ironman Florida last weekend in Panama City Beach. I mean seriously, who did he think he was fooling? Did he really think he wouldn't get caught?? (swim aids - in this case, fins - are very much against the rules in every triathlon) In an article I read, an observer saw him keeping them in the water when going from the first lap to the second lap of the swim so nobody would see them. I guess some people believe the rules do not apply to them.

Well done, dude. You paid a shitload of money to do IMFL, you skimped on your swimming so you decide to cheat, get caught and are DQ'd. Way to send a message to those that actually trained. I hope if you have kids then they don't know what Daddy did. I hope you are banned from any future Ironman N.A. events. If you have a hole, I suggest you find it and crawl in it because you are get blasted all over the internet. Sorry dude, such is the life of a cheater.

It could get ugly

I really need to get my schedule figured out. (have I mentioned this already?) I don't do well without a schedule. I am slightly depressed and when that happens ... I snack. Having Halloween candy in the house is B-A-D, I think I ate 10 pieces yesterday. (yikes!!) It's nervous energy and/or the fact that I need to be doing something. I am either unable or subconsciously unwilling to take action. When that corner is turned I can get a lot done but it's getting to that point that's the hard part. These feelings are familiar and I don't like it. I eat very poorly, I don't sleep well and my fitness (that I've worked very hard for) takes a nose dive.

I am considering joining a women's cycling club for '09. It intrigues me and I'd like to do something different next year. Right now, cycling is the strongest of my 3 sports and I'd like to keep it that way. Might have something to do with the fact that I haven't trained much in the other 2 ..... nah, that can't be it.

Today is election day. I told my husband if the election really looks like it's going to go one way to go ahead and bring beer home. It could be a long 4 years.

Decisions, decisions....

I think everyone should vote on election day. You have the right to choose who will run our government and we are blessed to live in a country that affords us the right to do so. There are many, many people in the world who do not have a choice. As it stands right now, I do not know who I will vote for in the presidential election. I am very unhappy with my choices but those are the ones presented to me so I have to choose. I have to choose if I want to vote for the 3rd party candidate and "waste" my vote or vote for one of the mainstream candidates. A Republican or a Democrat is going to win which is why if I vote for the 3rd party then I'm sort of "wasting my vote." While I really don't think that is entirely true, a choice has to be made anyway. I think someone who does not vote can't really complain.