Therapy of being anonymous

I have to confess, I like this blog. It is therapeutic to be able to get my thoughts out without having to worry about what people think. I'm not even sure anyone reads this. And that matters only a little but I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter at all. If I didn't want anyone to read it then I would keep all my random thoughts in my head. Although, if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to read and "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter."

I am depressed. It is familiar, something I've dealt with many times. It's funny how even as an adult, I still feel some of the same feelings I felt when I was 13. I can remember being depressed and hoping someone would help me. I don't know what triggered that particular summer's episode but I'd guess it was because school was out and I was faced with the prospect of having the visit my dad even though I didn't want to. My mom enrolled my sister and I in a day camp run by the Y so we had something to do during the summer. I felt connected to one of the counselors, her name was Jane, and I remember desperately wanting to talk to her but too shy to even think about approaching her. I wanted so badly for her to ask me what was wrong and I felt if she opened the door then I'd be able to spill it all but she never did. I made it through the summer and the episode passed but those feelings remain; often hidden until something in my brain is triggered and that 13 year old girl - desperate for someone to talk to but too shy - surfaces.

This is hard to put down. It upsets me as I type it. One would wonder why I put this here? I don't know. I do know I am lonely. I only have a few close friends. Everyone else is kept at a distance.