Body image

I mentioned this the other day but I want to talk (or type!) about body image. There are really two parts to this: my history and my current thoughts.

The History
For as long as I can remember, I felt that I was a "fat girl" living in my body. Even if I was average size, I always felt big. Looking in the mirror did not provide me with images of a girl that was average size. Compared to many of my friends I felt overweight, not just athletic.

I also think I can pinpoint when it started. In 4th grade, I had a neighborhood friend who lived just across the street from me and she was a year older. I remember one day that she called me FAT. She was cruel and mean but I thought she was super cool so I wanted to be her friend. When she called me fat, I was devastated. It had never occurred to me that I could be fat. I know there's more to it that I don't remember but I do remember that instance being one of the main things in my memory. I also remember holding myself to a standard (like celebrities and musicians) that I couldn't meet. As a preteen and teenager, I was taller, average size and awkward. Trying to fit in to the mold of the "popular kids" and the mold of what an ideal girl should look like gave me a warped set of ideals. Middle school might have been the hardest 3 years of my life. I do not look forward to my daughter getting to that age.

As I got older, it got a little easier to deal with but I still never felt thin. Even when I was playing Varsity basketball as a Junior and I see pictures of me, I was thin but never saw it. I don't even remember what size I was wearing but I know about how much I weighed because that weight stayed on my driver's license for years.

When my weight fluctuated, I wanted to hide my body as best as I could. It was never something I was proud of or flaunted. My wardrobe included baggy shirts, shorts and jeans. (it helped that at the time, it was in style) There were times when I felt confident and could wear something revealing, like a bikini, but they were rare. College and post-college included years of eating poorly, drinking and little exercise. (with the exception of one season of rowing) I gained weight and was unhappy. I was stuck in the routine of working long, irregular hours, grabbing what was easiest and not working out. We did belong to a gym but my visits were sporadic because I'm not (and never have been) a gym-rat.

The current
I had kids and after my youngest, I decided I needed to change. I wanted to get back to, at the minimum, my pre-pregnancy weight so I started swimming regularly. Swimming progressed to triathlon training and the weight slowly started to come off. More training meant eating better which lead to more training and I lost weight.

I was happy with the changes I saw but still never felt thin. I come from a family of heavy and overweight people and I didn't see myself as the one who had beat my genes. And when I say family, that means everyone: Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Parents. It's weird to think that I might be the thinnest and fittest person in my family. But on the other side... my husband's family is full of thin, fit people. It just occurred to me that the difference has A LOT to do with geography and socio-economic status. My extended family is Blue Collar/Middle Class in Ohio. (not exactly the mecca of exercise enthusiasts) My husband's family is definitely Upper-Middle Class in Georgia. (each lives in a well-to-do area where image is important)

Anyway, back to me. ;) I feel like I have reached a point in my life when I am finally happy, most of the time, with what I see in the mirror. I still don't think I see what others see but I am happy with what I do see. Cycling and swimming have toned and slimmed my body to where I'm pleased with the results. I have a friend who always talks about how I'm a great example of what endurance training can do because of my long-lean muscles. I've always been a size large kind of girl and to be smaller is weird. When I went to pick up my race packet for the Xterra the woman asked me what size shirt; I said medium and she looked at me and said I needed a small. Who? Me? No way. I've never been a small in my life. But, sure enough, it fits me. It's smaller than I prefer but it fits and my husband says it looks good. I am finally at the point when what looks back in the mirror is acceptable.