Fear and doubt

This is what I wrote on Friday. I also attempted a poem but it's cheesy and needs work.

I wonder if I'm am setting myself up for failure? Am I setting unrealistic goals in my head? Do I think I'm better than I really am? I train and think I'm doing well... then I get very disappointed when I fall short. I am very competitive, with others and myself. If I haven't done the work, there's less disappointment - I expect a mediocre performance. Is there something in my head that wants to fail? Afraid to succeed? I don't know. I'd like to think not but maybe... I have to honestly evaluate what I'm doing. Being objective is difficult - emotions are hard to put aside. As much as I try to pretend my emotions play a minor role, they often don't. You know... the whole heart on the sleeve kind of thing. So, it's doubly difficult to put them aside in regards to training and racing. I thrive on positive feedback and sometimes find it hard and lonely; triathlon is mostly a solitary sport. This is probably the hardest aspect of the sport and being a self-coached athlete.

Approaching my first race, what do I expect? Do I expect to do well? Do I honestly think I'm good enough or fast enough to place well? I don't know. My first instict says no. Then I think... maybe I can do it... no, you know you can't... Is my fear holding me back? Are my self doubts and fears the same thing?